37

37.

37 trips around the sun on this planet in this body. Some days, I feel like I am brand new and an infant looking out in wonder into this world. Some days, I feel like I’m 105 years old looking at it with wisdom & gratitude. Some days, I feel like a crotchety old woman who is mad at the way people treat one another & this planet.

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Then also on those days I’ve learned to recognize that that anger & that view on the world doesn’t help the world get any better or heal so to look within myself & see what I need to heal from seeing the world in that lens.

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The start of my 36th & 37th birthday have been interesting. Both of these have been my first birthdays without the physical tangible materialistic presence in a human form of my father. Even me saying that out loud feels like a lie. Day by day moment to moment I go in & out of the concept of death & whether or not my dad is truly gone in the physical sense. I always come back to - he’s not. As death happens day by day & the news covers it more & more with this pandemic, it has made me question to exhaustion this existence & our concept of this physical reality. I have experienced on the start of both these birthdays immense joy, laughter, gratitude & ecstasy as well as experiencing immense lows, darkness, fear, doubt & shame. And what’s funny is as I say this, I smile because this existence is just that – dualities in the singularity. The singularity of existence in this plane but duality of both ends of the spectrum within the singularity is the spectrum. All of those (emotions, feelings, actions) are already always living within us & always coexisting at the same time- some days we just may feel more one in the other & sometimes in the same moment.

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I am reminded how blessed & how grateful I am for the people that support me & have helped me to this point in my journey & continue to support me on both ends of that spectrum. They’ve seen my darkest darks, my brightest lights & still love me through it all without judgment. Tears of gratitude streaming down my face. Even to those not in the picture - thank you.

I love you.

Thank you.

I hope I have given to you just as much ❤️

Sit with grief and welcome both it and joy. They are all here, we are all here, on purpose. Is the purpose of this life to just be happy? I don't think so. While it may be different for everyone and what their contract is on this planet, we can be in a state of joy that learn from the states that disrupt your joy. Enjoy this life to the fullest -for all parts of the rollercoaster. Experience it for all you can. If you need help navigating the darkness, I'm here for you.