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I'm 30 pages into reading Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential by Caroline Myss, who marries psychology and spirituality. She says contracts/agreements "are the earthly commitments, the tasks you have been assigned, and the lessons you agreed to learn in this incarnation in order to fulfill your divine potential.
The experiences and relationships you are meant to have are with your parents, children, close friends, and any people with whom you share a passion for something. These people - as well as your adversaries - are in your life because you made an agreement with them prior to this lifetime to support each other's spiritual growth" (Myss, 17).
I've shared before, my mom is my biggest teacher. There is no mistake that I am living with her during this time.... I am meant to see the lessons up front and personal, from all angles, in order for me to transform and heal the past - both inherited past as well as my own past with her. I am learning about boundaries and speaking up for those boundaries, expectations and letting go of holding people to the image I've been in their minds and vice versa. I had this moment in meditation to accept my mom where she is - I cannot control how she is, I can only control how I respond and how I view what's happening - to take the tone and context out of what she's saying to me and to simply hear what she says as neutral. And then I got tested and I lost myself. I've recognized that there are moments that I've disassociated and I can see myself in this spiral of pain lashing out and I can hear myself telling me to walk away and then my mom will say something again that sparks the spiral and I feel the need to defend myself even more and to protect who I am.
"Why should I have to protect who I am?" a thought that pops up...
As I cleaned my car later, I started laughing. I heard myself think - "Remember, you chose this life before coming into this world and you choose how to react to situations. You're right where you need to be. When you've learned the lesson, you'll move on." I had been having thoughts recently about death and life - that it's all the same. We transition life after life to continue to evolve and learn the lessons we're meant to learn in each lifetime until we're done learning. It's not something that I fully know or know how to explain, but I definitely feel like I understand. When we choose to come into this human experience in each life, we create the reality in front of us that meets our dharma, the passion in this life, and our agreement for this life. We can choose to see life as working against us, or we can choose to see life as working for us. I laughed when I thought about this - getting so mad and screaming to defend who I am and what I have, feeling attacked for existing as I am - stories that I have created throughout my life and that my mom mirrors back to me - I laughed because I got mad at my mom yet I AM THE ONE WHO CHOSE THIS LIFE. I AM THE ONE WHO CHOSE THIS SCENARIO. That the me that I know only exists for me - there are thousands of versions of me in other people's minds, but that doesn't mean it's me nor do I have to defend my version. That, in the grand scheme of this big life and this big existence as spirit - I don't have to react, I can simply feel - allow the feeling to just be in the body. When you allow yourself to feel, rather than resist it, the emotion lasts for mere moments. When we're meant to understand and heal, the ease of feeling will allow for the ease of learning and the lesson will click. Life doesn't have to be lived in suffering.
I had also come across this talk about God's wrath on TikTok. I'm not religious nor do I follow a particular sect or teachings but I do follow a number of different spiritual teachers, Christianity/Catholicism included. There is a progressive pastor that I follow who breaks down the concept of "wrath of God" and whether or not he believes in that. The way he broke it down, it struck a chord inside of me as well. Being raised Catholic the concept of guilt and shame and sins were something that were embedded into my psyche in hope to instill fear of living a way that my parents didn't understand or were taught were wrong. That if we sinned that we would feel God's wrath... but isn't this the same God - "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32). So if God/Universe wants everything for us, and "sacrificed his only son" so that we didn't have to "suffer' - why would he have wrath or cause suffering? It's not mistake that when we vibrate from a state of love (heart driven) versus a state of fear (mind driven), love expands further and is more powerful:
If we as humans create our suffering to learn a lesson meant to be learned in this lifetime, the suffering is created by us, not the wrath of God. Again, it all goes back to energy - the energy of love being constant, the energetic connection we have to people, the energy we feel from people or from spirits - it continues, it's infinite.
It's not a coincidence that I write this as I'm watching/listening to Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind. I learned more about his death and found out that he had dementia that was diagnosed as Parkinson's right before he passed. I first watched Robin Williams do stand up when I was really young with my dad. When I read about Robin Williams' passing and whenever I come upon a video or tribute to him now, there's something that tugs on my heart strings and I get misty-eyed. Now learning that he had dementia and that it affected his anxiety and depression ties it all together - the memories of my dad, the connection to my dad, and my dad's transition. My human mind feels the sadness that he is not physically here and acknowledges the grief of the death of the past, but I also acknowledge that the past never dies, nor do people - it all lives within us. The day that my dad transitioned, including the weekend after, I had this surge of energy rush through me. I expressed myself freely, I felt safe to share parts of myself I would normally hide from family, and I was living fully. It felt like I had a weight lifted off my shoulders - the night my dad passed I read him a letter I wrote basically making amends and being at peace with what our relationship was and where it was going. Even now, it all lives within the energy and consciousness. Energy doesn't die. It simply changes. We are energy. We do not die. We simply change.
My dad's transition (or what most people would call his death in the physical form) had to happen the way that it did and in order for my mom to carry out our agreement in the way that we are and in order for my mom to grow from the transition. Peter Crohn once said on a podcast, that we can't dwell on the past wishing things happened a different way or thinking something else was meant to happen - "You know why it wasn't meant to happen another way? Because it didn't" - or something along those lines.
People come into our lives for reasons, seasons, or lifetimes, but they all have an agreement with us in this life (or in some cases, many lives). The growth gets compounded in each incarnation as we grow and evolve... we may return to the earth... but we never die. Is this all just an illusion? A dream within a dream within a dream? Maybe...
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