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Trigger warning: mention of suicide
I have watched Grey’s Anatomy from the beginning, from the very first episode where they showed up as residents. I have cried with so many episodes… you could make the argument that I’m emotional and cry easy even when it’s not “real”…. But what if it’s because it provides the emotional outlet I needed to get the tears out? What if I needed to cry and that’s the catalyst?
I watched the first episode of the new season of Grey’s Anatomy and the scene with Dr. DeLuca breaking down hit me so hard in my chest… he captured it so well. I’ve been there. I’ve hit that point where you feel like you’re spiraling out of control, where you feel like no one understands you or can help you. I’ve contemplated suicide a number of times in my life because I didn't know how ask for help and I felt so overwhelmed and scared. As I type this, my eyes begin to swell with tears because it’s painful to relive. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to share that, but it’s real, and it’s honest, and it’s why I’m here and I'm stronger from it. When I watched that scene, I felt so seen and understood knowing that I’m not alone. I went on Giacomo Gianniotti’s (he plays Dr. DeLuca) instagram to thank him and saw on his stories that other people had thanked him and felt the same way. Again, I felt like I wasn’t alone.
I recognize that I feel a lot. I’ve learned about being an empath early on in life-- feeling way more than most people felt, feeling the energy of other people around me. I cried a lot when I was younger. I would get called “cry baby” or “brat” because of how much I cried. It wasn’t until I was a senior in high school did someone validate my tears and made me feel seen and proud of how I let myself feel. Mrs. Mattie, who was my adult leader on Kairos, told me “It’s such a beautiful thing that you allow yourself to feel and to express those feelings.” It was the first time that I felt special because I allowed myself to cry.
There is a school of thought that says rage is inherited, anger is your own. Rage feels uncontrollable and out of nowhere, while anger has reason and can be logically understood. I remember there were times with my parents where I was 20 years old and still jumping up and down, screaming, because I felt like I wasn’t being heard. Am I ashamed of writing that out? My initial reaction is yes. But why should I feel ashamed? Why should I feel ashamed that I wanted to be heard and understood? I understood that they wanted to keep me safe but I didn’t feel like I was a bad person. I didn’t feel like being who I was shouldn’t have felt like a sin. My parents weren’t bad people but they were very fearful - and knowing how they grew up, I understand now, and I forgive them for the restrictions they put on me and the shame they would try to inflict on me. They did the best they could with what they knew. It’s something that I’m still working on to this day to reframe the story, but I’m grateful for the awareness to it all and the work in creating change. Both my parents had childhoods & young adulthoods that I don’t wish upon anyone, and I also recognize that some of their trauma has been passed down to me, and again, why I am here - to heal so that the pattern ends with me. The rage that both my parents have expressed, that were passed down to them and that I've experienced, the disassociation that I’ve witnessed and have experienced - I’m working on healing them both, amongst other learned & inherited behaviors. It gets better each day. It’s a process for sure, healing isn’t linear, but it does get better.
So, back to Grey’s Anatomy. The catalyst. Whether it’s an emotional scene in a show or movie or play or the lyrics to a song that resonate with something you’ve experienced or are experiencing - it’s a reminder that we’re all connected and going through similar experiences. While the experiences might not be exactly the same, the emotions can be. While you are listening to a song and you begin to cry or you watch a show and laugh - something clicks inside of you. Something inside of you recognizes yourself in something externally. As I type that last sentence, the word “namaste” hits differently. It’s not just that the light in me recognizes the light in you, but the consciousness in me recognizes the consciousness in you, because it’s/we’re all made up of the same stuff. So when you watch a performance or listen to lyrics or a poem or a passage - whatever the art medium/expression is - and it moves you in a way that you weren’t expecting, allow yourself to feel and to connect to the experience - because odds are, someone else is feeling the exact same way, and maybe even in the exact same moment… and maybe even in another dimension, but that last layer in a conversation for another day.
Thank you, Grey’s Anatomy, for being a catalyst for my tears. Thank you, reader, for being a part of this journey with me and allowing a space to open up and connect. You are never alone. I love you.
From the newsletter:
music suggestion: Tonantzin by Porangui, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j88Qq... movement suggestion: push up to side plank, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Qek... meditation suggestion: Om Gan Ganapataye Namaha, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vz5NN-TKtQE
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