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Trigger warning: mentions of sexual harassment
I am not quite sure what to write.
I have tears that are surfacing on my face. It feels good to release.
There is a level of fear in writing this, but it’s my space to process.
Even as I write this, I begin to talk myself out of it. I can hear what people might say, because what I’m about to say will most likely make people feel uncomfortable.
The only way we grow though is to step outside of our comfort zone so here goes…
In 2013, I was sexually harassed by a colleague. Technically, I was this man’s supervisor. In collegiate sports, the person in charge of promotions and marketing usually is in charge of fan experience and game entertainment which means you hire talent like anthem singers or game announcers. In this case, this man was a well-known announcer in the area I worked. He had been doing it for many years. While in his 60’s maybe 70’s, there were jokes made around the office that he always had a different young woman (not his daughter) with him when he would come to work games.
While I didn’t ever remember seeing him come to games with a woman, I do remember his heir of privilege that he brought with him such as not following guidelines I had set for other people at the scorestable, even when I asked him to. He didn’t like the way I wrote scripts so he asked that I print them differently, which I did. There was a pressure to make this guy happy - the fans loved him, it was a “treat” to get this “legend” to return (he had done games before when many of our bigger donors were in their hay-days). There was this breath of “just make sure this guy is happy at all costs” and apparently, even at the cost of decency and my respect.
After a game, he came into our office space, as he sometimes would, to shoot the shit with people like my boss. He walked by me and when I said thanks for working the game, he proceeded to joke around in asking me if I wanted to grab a drink. I laughed and said that I didn’t drink - uncomfortable but with this thought of not wanting to ruffle any feathers because my job could be on the line (the donors felt that impressive). He then made some comment about wanting to get into my pants, on some level I have blocked out what he said exactly because I was disgusted and shocked… I stopped right in my tracks. “Did he really just go there?” I thought. I laughed it off and as he left the office, I looked around at people and said, “did that just happen?” and it was chalked up to him being him. I thought, “oh, ok, so this isn’t the first time and this is just accepted behavior.” So my boss knew, my colleagues knew… but no one was going to do anything about it? No one was going to help me with it? Ultimately, did we not want to ruffle his feathers and in turn make our fans mad? Or was this just accepted behavior because sports?
About a month or so later, I ended up leaving that organization and not long after I left, I had learned that that man quit one day because our Director of Tickets couldn’t fulfill a ticket request he had for a sold out game. On some level, even though I didn’t work there anymore, I was grateful that this guy stuck up to this privileged and entitled man. On some level, he was my hero - he did what I felt powerless to do - to hold boundaries.
The man continued his career, announcing at professional sporting events. Anytime I would go to one of these events, I would hear his name and revisit that moment - that I felt betrayed not only by this man old enough to be my father and a colleague, but also by the school. As I look back on all these years, I never really sat with the pain or the frustration from that event, I never had really done healing work around that specific story in particular. But now, it’s time.
The man passed away on Friday and I heard so many people praising him and saying how loved he was, how kind he was… and I read them and think - “why couldn’t you be kind to me?” As I tend to look at life, there was a lesson there that I needed to learn from and grow from - it’s a lesson that I needed to learn in relationships as well. The lesson? That I am a big, powerful, being. My voice is big. My presence is big. I don’t deserve to take shit from anyone and I deserve to be heard and supported. I had let the pressure from other people eat at me. I let this man’s ego affect my own. I will no longer let someone speak to me with disrespect and instead will turn the tables. That man was a father to a daughters, and looking back I wish I would have said, “Would you speak to me that way if your daughter was in the room?”
It shouldn’t have even come down to another female being in the room. I am a human being who deserves respect. I am not an object. I have done a lot of healing work around my sexuality and my worth as a person, as a woman. I grew up being taught “men just want you for sex” mainly so I would stay away from sex, so I saught my value through my sexuality. Did that warrant that exchange? No. Did I learn from it? Yes.
My dad has a similar history to this man - a man with daughters who had also had a past with women, who was flirtatious and sometimes said inappropriate things to women, and of course, it was chalked up to being “jokes.” And, at the same time, I also want people to remember my dad for always wanting to take care of others - he was very selfless at the same time. My dad had a really rough and tortuous upbringing - he was abandoned by 15 and joined the marines at 18. He grew up in an era where women were seen as objects, as slaves and ironically he had 3 daughters who were fierce, strong, loud, and independent.
I’ve forgiven my dad for his faults. I’ve forgiven him for his mistakes. He was a product of his environment, his suffering. I’m sure this man was the same. I’m sure he was projecting. I’m sure he did other things in the world to make up for his mistakes.
I never wanted this man to lose his job or get cancelled, I just wanted him to say sorry. I wanted my colleagues to apologize for not supporting me. I apologize to myself for not doing more and for carrying this weight more than 7 years later. When I found out this man passed, I felt petty at first and then I took a step back and said thank you - for creating an opportunity to get stronger and be bigger than what I was. I took another step back and recognized that I can be both grateful and angry in the same breath - life is not binary.
I got to thinking - what if we honor all parts of our humanity, and not just the “good”? What if our legacy embodies all parts of us? I know that I have made some mistakes, that I’ve projected my insecurities and pain onto people and have been unkind. To those people - I am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me and I hope that you have found your peace and healing if I have ever caused you any pain. We have to accept these parts of ourselves in order for there to be change and growth. Maybe the only reason we don’t share the dark stories of our past because we’re scared of the shame that people cast when we do?
I certainly felt like I would be shamed for sharing this story - thought to be seeking justice, trying to tear this man down even after his death, or seeking attention. Sure give me the attention, but I hope the takeaway isn’t the pain or the incident but more so to accept all parts of us, to change when there’s something about our past we hadn’t been proud of - all of our past got us to where we are today, and if we don’t like where we are, it’s up to us individually to change/make changes. I hope the takeaway is that life is not binary - things do not have to be good and bad or right or wrong - they can be, and usually are, both at the same time. This man, while he was beloved by some, created hostile environments for others - and that those two people can coexist in the same person - the good doesn’t take away from the bad and the bad doesn’t take away from the good. It’s what we do with the information and how we move forward in life. We are human, we all have our faults and growth, but if we don’t honor all parts of our lives, then we are doing a disservice to our past and our present. If we all accepted our past and saw life as non-binary, maybe we might have more respect and love for each other. If we didn’t shame people for their past, the world might be more kind. Do people need to be held accountable? Yes, but we have to hold ourselves accountable too to stick up for ourselves, to speak our truth.
A friend asked me, “have you forgiven him?” and I wanted to say, “yes.” I had to stop and think that if I forgive him, does that make me wrong or discredit what happen or make what happened ok? The answer again goes back to - the two can coexist. I did a podcast interview last summer that addressed my sexual harassment experience. Women were coming forward at the Washington Football Team about their unhealthy work environments and numerous accounts of sexual misconduct and harassment. In my podcast interview I had mentioned that I didn’t want him to lose his job, but I did want him to be held accountable and do his healing work so that future incidents wouldn’t happen. Do I forgive him? Yes. She then asked - “how did you get to forgiveness?” It was a journey. I had to accept that it happened, that it was not right, and that it wasn’t addressed in the way I would’ve liked. I looked at what I learned from that moment and how that moment shaped the next few years of my life and what I learned from those experiences. An astrology reading once said that my wounds, my pains, become my superpowers. Does that happen overnight? No. It’s almost 10 years later and I’m still thinking about and healing through it - even if I choose to forgive him or feel ready doesn't mean the work is done. Like many things in life, it’s a choice - a choice in each moment to show up, to do the work, to heal, to have fun, to love. So in those triggering moments, I choose to forgive, to heal, to learn, and evolve. And in time, the depth of the angst of a trigger will ease and get smaller with each moment I choose to forgive and heal.
People walk around with pain all the time. People walk around with scars that we don’t ever see. That shouldn’t be the reason why we’re kind to each other, but it definitely should be why we should be compassionate with one another. We’re taught not to feel, but feelings are here to teach us what needs to be healed - they are the visual representation of our invisible scars. I can’t force you to do your healing work, I can only focus on my own. If you try to project your pain onto me, I can only respond from my lived experience - and with what I know now, I will wish you well, send you love, and hold my boundaries and be strong in my presence. “Do no harm, and take no shit.”